with love, love me

 Our story ended a year ago - it has been fulfilling. I’ve missed you terribly, I hope you’re doing fine.  I leave you lovingly, until the next life.

Forgetting you has been a chore I never signed up for. Forcing myself to pretend that my feelings for you never existed has been the only chains wrapped around my ankles that constantly drag me down with the consistent thoughts of what could’ve been. but I will say, although I didn’t ask for this, I understand now. I’ve always understood but now I believe it — it was beautiful and I’m glad it happened. I’m finally used to your absence and one day, I’m gonna think about you for the last time and I’m not even going to realize it. Now, I’m going to care for myself the way I used to care about you; I hope you don’t mind.

 “I’m endlessly grateful that you gave me a chance to show you who I am.”

I’ve always known this, but it took me a long time to realize that not everything in life is meant to have a happy ending. every person I feel something deep with is not meant to be a forever.  sometimes, people come into our lives to teach us how to love; and sometimes, people come into our lives to teach us how not to love. how not to settle, how not to shrink ourselves…. again. yes, sometimes people leave, but that's okay. because the lessons they teach us always stay. that’s what remains.

life is crazy. I tend to disappear since im fine and the moment im not im socially present out of no where. all of a sudden the time usage on my iphone goes up a couple hours since the time I now spend is mainly with myself. I look for ways to grab peoples attention since I am not getting any — it’s honestly quite sad. social media is used as a form of distraction and I feel like I’m using it as a call for help. between the memes and the selfies all im really saying is “notice me, please.”

hello from a brand new dana! I took the time to reread my passages from 2018 and WHEW -- all I have to say is that version of me has grown up to be quite a wonderful woman.  I am now a firm believer of putting things out into existence and I know that 2021 will be a great year for me and everything I've ever wanted to accomplish for myself. That being said, I want you all to know that I am mentally thriving. I am in a place where I am more comfortable with my feelings, confident in myself, and more caring for others. I am surprised that I have made it this far in my life and I am so undeniably happy that I am alive right now to update whomever that I am doing just fine.  And to think that I was almost not here to type this out myself. progress. can't wait to make you all proud.

1:15 am lately my life has been a constant repetition of hoping people see the best in me when I can't see it in myself. why are you like this? why do you get so triggered over the smallest things? you're so annoying. honestly. truly. you get reassurance, but don't know how to use it.  you have everything you ever need, yet still think you need more. you have a support system that believes in you, yet you still don't feel appreciated. get the fuck over it dana it is not and has never been - THAT DEEP.  you're fine, trust me.