with love, love me

hey friend, I did not get to see you today, but I wish I did. monday’s seem to be rest days, since our weekends always seem so compact with other miscellaneous things. you’re sleeping now (I hope) you deserve it. I also know that you’re never going to see this unless I send you the link. lmao. I never will. lately I’ve been going through waves of insecurity, just like anyone else. at times I feel nothing can surpass the feeling of sadness. then a moment later, it feels like I never had a reason to be sad in the first place. isn’t that stupid? Lol. It’s like one second it feels like the end of the world and then the next second, I realize the world m o v e s  o n . I’m okay though—I have an amazing support system of people who are willing to pick up my fallen pieces and rebuild me again. for that, I’m so grateful.  feeling secure and being valued by another person is a wonderful feeling, however I never want to depend on another person to determine my happiness. to me, validati...

(fr notes archive: June 30, 2018 // 4:42 am) today my friend and I talked; the conversation sprouted as a compliment. friend: I wanted to tell you about your potential in person because I could only say so much online. I’ve watched you from the beginning-- ever since high school, but actually even before that. dana, I didn't think I would see you again, and then you auditioned, and then you stayed, and now you’re here. and you’ve grown so much. I'm so proud of you. you and the camera are best friends. do you realize that? not even like just with dance, like on camera too. you attract people and don’t even realize it. it makes me mad that you have all this potential and you don’t use it. I’m not saying this to compare you to her because you’re yourself in every single way possible. but I can see you like liza koshy. me: *silence* me: I see myself as an introvert. I can't be capable of all this. friend: It’s because your family and friends raised you to think li...

hey friends. I came to the realization that I think about my relationships with people a little too much. I wonder why people don't treat me the same as I do to them and the truth is, I came to terms with it. I always have to tell myself that people don't have the same heart as I do. that's unfortunate.

hi blog, I haven't gotten the chance to talk to you in a while. life has been pretty.. interesting lately. I tend to disappear when dramatic events happen, but I realized that I need to vent in order to have some sort of closure. I just wanted to come on here and write about someone I care a lot about. I at least owe them that. because of you I learned: -that I don't need to own so many things -I should make my bed everyday -I should floss because you floss -why do things with no purpose -two pillows are just fine -always be aware of other people's feelings -not everyone is going to have the same heart as you -veggie house will always be the spot -to have a newfound respect for anime -it costs that much because it's an investment -food is delicious -aesthetic is very important you've taught me many things, but most importantly you taught me that it's okay to be myself. thank you!

he took a deep breath. a silence follows. she asks, "anything else you want to say before I leave?" he responds, "yeah, I like you. you're the one person I want to talk to, the one person I want to tell everything to, the one person I want to hang out with. you're the one person I want to see at the end of the night. when I see your name on my phone, I smile. that's all." she replies, "alright, thank you. goodnight."

they sat in the car figuring out how this could all happen. out of all the people in the world, why them? the nervousness slowly built up until the first "hey." "hey" she said with a small grin on her face, she waved. started to overthink this, overthink that. "did I seem too eager?" she questioned, "who cares. wait I care right? of course I do." he entered the car, and she felt like she was suffocating. afterwards was a moment of silence. one minute felt like an hour, but an hour passed an it felt like one second. they continued to spill their hearts out. he went first, she continued afterwards. they talked about their adventures, their past, their feelings. she came to the conclusion that maybe this doesn't need a conclusion. maybe they’re fine with where they are right now and maybe that's okay. “welcome back. im really glad you're back. I have more of a reason to be myself.”

why  does this always happen to me? being second choice was never an option, but it seems to be something I always receive.  & why is this relevant? I feel like I have always been someone that is looked over. once someone realizes the person they have is not who they wanted, they realize that they actually wanted me. yikes lol. deep breath in. deep breath out. anyways hellllo. I just feel like writing letters to the people who could have potentially been mine. this sounds like some to all the boys I've loved before bs, but trust me when I say that writing is the only thing that helps me clear my mind. here I go glhf tldr lol dear you with the sense of humor, it's felt like forever since I've restated this story, but it's pretty good. I look back and think about how I thought high school was the end of the world when it's not. the way I start getting interested in people starts off by imagining what we'd be like together; how we would balance eac...

long distance. who would've thought huh? not me :-) people love to ask me: "how do you do it?" "are you sure? I couldn't do that." "are you okay?" & truth is: I just do. yes. that sucks. I'm fine. some days are just harder than others. some days I don't want to be a bother. some days a hug is needed. some days are not that bad. I'm glad that I'm able to be independent here. at the same time, I like knowing that there will always be someone who has my back. It's comforting. I'm content.

If you think I've forgotten about this blog, I have.