"why am i like this"

A bunch of pessimistic statements about myself that I did not know how to string together:

I.......
         ......have this weird conception about myself that i am a lot less worth than what i really am. I know I'm a great person, but i know im not the great(est).

PERSONALLY, 

IM NOT SO DIFFERENT THAN ANYONE ELSE.
I believe that no one is truly special unless you were given a god given talent. and that's just me being a realist to myself. if I was this so called... "special" why am I be in school trying to pursue something im not even sure I am good at? it's something im trying to force within myself. something im taking a chance in. tbh I just wish that i was naturally skilled in science or math. I feel like I just settled with journalism. creativity is an attribute that I wish I can just study. why does it have to be so difficult. when I think of this, that is when I start to question my purpose. oop that's deep. lol.

some days I think im actually pretty chill. pretty decent. pretty. somedays I think that there's no one who's like me.

but okay hear me out. think about it- I am asian, a woman, and a journalism major. how many other people in the world are asian woman journalism majors!! so many!! that being said, what makes me special?... what makes me stand out.. what makes me, me?..

I feel bad for myself.

half of the time I honestly want to believe that I am an underdog/wallflower/introvert. I love showing myself and other people that I can prove them wrong. that feels great.

my whole life I felt like there's this stigma towards me that shows that im underestimated and overlooked. that's just the result of being an introvert and not being able to showcase my personality at first glance. idk if that is a good or bad thing.

Maybe bc I usually don’t make my voice known? voicing my opinions is hard. and meaning it 100% the first time around is nerve wracking. I’m still trying to develop a voice, instead of bouncing off of others.

why can't I be myself right away when I meet someone why do I always have to question if I'm saying the right thing... im not afraid of being judged but I am afraid of being misunderstood.

In my sixth grade computer class, my teacher, Mr. Wright, said this on the first day of school: “you all will be categorized in my head as a delinquent, a stand out, or a wallflower.” & since the term wallflower has stuck with me. I knew sixth grade me wasn’t the best student, nor the worst. being in the middle meant safe. being in the middle meant I’ll be okay. being in the middle was—average.

I know how to accept and understand. I'll deserve to be the best when i deserve it. typically - usually I remain in the shadows and know that I will show eventually. as long as my effort is noticed eventually, then I'll be okay.

I feel like I work really hard. I know I work r e a l l y  h a r d....

I often feel like everyone around me has someone better. a better person to run to, a better friend, another something a little more special than myself. and in a sense, I don't mind that. but I just always want people to know that if they do come to me first, that I'll be there for them. I'll always be here for them. bc they deserve that. I'd want them to do the same for me.

aside from all of that, why the fuck am I so insecure? sigh. I don't feel like going into that lol. maybe another time.

im sorry. to me, it's not necessarily self hate, but more of like self realization. BUT I DO hate how I think of myself like this. and im trying really hard not to cry right now, but I am. and I think it's okay. because im trying to figure myself out. and that's important.